Berlin: it’s not you, it’s me.

My reflections after living as an expat in Berlin for two years

2 Years ago I started dreaming about my perfect place to live. A place where I finally wouldn’t feel like moving away anymore, but where I could settle down and find peace with where I am. The answer to that seemed: Berlin. But living in Berlin wasn’t as “awesome” as I expected…

At the time when I started searching for my “perfect” place to settle down I was living in a small apartment in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

I was sitting on the grass next to our swimming pool (that I never used by the way), drawing a mind map with all the things I love.

Nature, vegan food, musicians, entrepreneurship, expat community, being close to family & friends, learning new things, hobbies, …

Which city has ALL of these things combined?

Of course, the answer was: Berlin

In Berlin there is a huge environmental activists community. It is a mecca for digital entrepreneurs. A hotspot for musicians. There is a possibility to explore almost any hobby of your interest. Plus, I also looked forward to live in a country where I could already speak the language.

It seemed like the perfect place for me.

Fast forward 2 years later I am now in Tenerife, Spain. I have left the place I looked so forward to call home to.

In some way, me and Berlin didn’t get along as well as I had wished…

or that it seemed like we should have …

These are the reasons that I couldn’t feel at home in Berlin — or at least, not as much as I’d hoped.

The Berliner Schnauze

One of the things Berliner are most proud of is the “Berliner Schnauze”.

This basically means: don’t try to be polite, but say anything you want to say no matter what. And then laugh about it.

One typical situation in Berlin:
French tourist in the bus, politely showing her ticket to the bus driver, waiting for him to confirm she can enter the bus
Bus driver, after a few seconds: “What’s your problem, do you want to feed it to me or what?”

Well, I have to be honest, I had to laugh that time as it was so absurd.

But many Berliners are glorifying being “rude”, telling each other it is “so funny”.

If an employee in a random shop in Berlin was actually “customer friendly” I had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

More often than not, being rude just seems completely unnecessary to me.

Berlin is Cool. Extremely Cool.

If you have no idea where to get your self-esteem from, try renting a two-bedroom apartment in Berlin.

You’ll be instantly recognized as cool!

If it doesn’t work out right away, just be sure to wear all black for a few months and you’ll quickly belong to the coolest people in Berlin.

Berliner (and expats living in Berlin alike) absolutely LOVE to hype their own city.

It seemed like part of their self-worth is the plain fact that they live in Berlin.

Even Berliners that have never lived in any other place in the world, will tell you that Berlin is the “best place on earth” and that basically “the rest of Germany / the world is boring. Maybe except New York, but yeah”.

If you live in Berlin, you’ll often get asked in which neighborhood you live. Depending on the answer, you can improve your “coolness rating” by living in one of the places where the cool kids live (Berliner Kieze).

I have nothing against optimism, and love the positivity Berliners have about their own city.

But I can not really lean into this “being cool by living at place XYZ” thing.

I have lived in many small towns where people were never talking about “how cool it is that they live there”. They just lived their life, enjoyed it and let other people live theirs.

Berlin, you are so loud

Even though I have always been an outdoorsy kind of girl, I’ve always dreamed about living in a big city one day

I was curious what it was like, life always seemed so interesting there. On visits I always wondered what live behind the small balconies in the beautiful old houses was like.

Well, the answer was: daily life in a city is quite similar to in a small town!

You think you will do all kind of fancy things when living in a city, but you still only have 24 hours in a day.

You’ll probably decide on a few hobbies besides working and next to that you’ll do all the normal things: cooking, visiting friends, spending time with your partner, doing groceries, cleaning your toilet…

However, there is one big difference.

Between you and said hobby / friend / supermarket there is a road to get there.

In a small town, this road is peaceful. You probably cycle past a few houses, trees, some smaller and some bigger streets, maybe make a little chat with your neighbor that is walking their dog…

However, in a big city like Berlin, it’s a different story…

First of all, you are happy if you made it alive if you are going by bike.

Second of all: the road is long. And loud. Because the city is big, your friends live all over the city and you have to travel far to get there. Mostly through loud traffic and big 3 or 4 lane streets without biking ways. Or, by U-bahn, sitting in a cabin filled with people that often look stressed or drunk.

Conclusion: going to places is more fun in a small town. At least to me.

Big city life is lonely

I have never felt as lonely as in Berlin.

Including in my cycling trips, driving through acres of farm fields, staying in a small village in Austria and camping in Scotland on my own.

First I didn’t mind. I had often moved to a new country or city and was very familiar with the feelings of loneliness that I initially felt when entering this new life. That’s just one of the parts of a nomadic lifestyle and living abroad.

Plus I already found many ways to make friends and connections quickly in the past, so I assumed in Berlin it would work out in the same way.

However, where I have been able to develop good friendships in any other new place in 3 months or less…

… after living in Berlin for 2 years, the feeling of loneliness never really faded away.

Why?

I’ve thought about this a lot.

First I blamed myself. I was working too much, didn’t take enough action to get out there and should make “making friends” into a priority.

So I did more. I attended more events, met up with more people and even organized my own events…

And even though I did meet more people and made some new friends, the feeling of loneliness stayed with me.

I think there is something about being surrounded by hundreds of people every day, not knowing a single one of them.

Something about going out there to do groceries and having a higher chance to be confronted with a “Berliner Schnauze” than someone who is genuinely happy to see you and interested in how you’re doing.

Something about the fact that between you and every friend there are thousands of people you’ve never met.

So I decided to leave Berlin.

It’s time to say goodbye.

Berlin, thank you for welcoming me.

Despite all, we had a beautiful time together.
I’ll always remember how I could cycle past your beautiful monuments every day.
How you have supported me to get my first “real job” (and how you were okay with me leaving it after just one month).
The many inspiring ideas & new wisdom you gave me through your history, the events I attended and the people I met.

But now, I feel like I need to move on. It’s not you. It’s me.

Do you relate to my experiences living abroad in a big city? Or have you felt completely different? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

xox Julia